Here is the long long story that I’ve wanted to tell. It’s been one year!
Finding out we were having twins:
Our Double Rainbow
We had always joked around that my husband, Josh, had psychic powers when it came to our children. Somehow, he knew big details about every pregnancy we have had, subconscious thoughts, mostly. He just knew, while I racked my brain and symptoms for any “signs” that might come to me. I’m weird.. instead of driving myself crazy with waiting, I used my time in between big events in our journey by doing loads and loads of research on any one symptom or thought. It can be very time consuming and research makes my heart happy.
Anyway. The August before we conceived the twins, I got pregnant. We didn’t think I was actually pregnant, I actually gave up taking pregnancy tests because I just thought that it didn’t happen, why waste the money. I let it go, and one day I woke up and Josh had gone to run some errands, I decided to use my last digital test because it was going to burn a hole in my cabinet if I didn’t use it. I don’t like to wait.. But I’ve told you that. I took it and let it sit there on the counter. Preparing myself for the “Big Fat Negative”. And I was trying to tell myself it was okay, I mean, we just moved to our new home and we really weren’t trying to get pregnant so it’s okay… I would be broken hearted but we have plenty of time to have more children… Don’t be upset if it didn’t happen.
“Pregnant 1-2 Weeks”
My jaw dropped. I attempted to look closer because I couldn’t believe my eyes, Ava was crawling all over me and I was in complete shock. “Wow! Oh my God!” I sat there alone for a minute trying to regenerate my thoughts, “okay. Okay! I’m pregnant. We are having another baby. Oh what is he going to think.” I took a picture of the test and sent it to him via text, with a smiley face next to the picture. He rushed home and gave me a big hug. I was like, ..what if it is too soon? What if I can’t handle this? Three children.. Josh was happy, though, and he lifted my spirits.
We spent the week enjoying the moment during pregnancy that you can be excited and feel awesome before the 1st Trimester really starts to show her big (green) face. We went out and my mother bought me a pregnancy journal. I love them and I wanted one that I could record every detail in. I wasn’t planning on having any more than 3, so I wanted to make the most of my last pregnancy. We went to eat at Cracker Barrel, just the two of us. It was a wonderful afternoon but something just didn’t feel right.
The next morning my mom took my girls to my dads house to visit, before I woke up. I remember tossing and turning because I was in a lot of pain, in that half asleep phase that you can make up any excuse to stay in bed. I just told myself it was the baby getting comfy in there, as that can happen during early stages of pregnancy. I got up because I couldn’t sleep through the pain anymore. Then I realized why the pain was there. I was bleeding, a lot. I was miscarrying. Again. Instant tears. Josh rushed in to see what was wrong and we sat there in the bathroom together for the longest time while I cried over our second loss. This one was much, much faster than our first miscarriage. But still so painful and heartbreaking. Some friends convinced me to go to the hospital with my last bit of hope, praying for a miracle, maybe it was just a complication, maybe the baby was still alive.
The hospital doctor didn’t give me a minute of his attention. Chemical pregnancy, happens all the time. Move along. I had a nurse who noticed me, though. He helped me through it. Gave me a box of tissues, and told me about his experience with miscarriage, and he tried to make me feel better. He really cared and although I left with a heavy heart, I felt thankful for my nurse. I needed to hear what he said, because I was being hit with a thousand flashbacks of my first miscarriage. I was about to go off the edge in a downward spiral, but his kind words pulled me back. I got through a second trimester miscarriage. I can get through this too. Prayer, Brit. Just pray.
And now that I am writing this, I realized that was God. He sent me my guardian angel that day.
I put on a smile the next day, hosting my sisters first baby shower. I enjoyed myself and it let me escape my mind for a little while. I put all of my energy into making sure my sister had a wonderful time, we were all so thrilled for the impending arrival of the first little boy on my side of the family.
I tried to get through my emotions by ignoring them, and it didn’t work very well. As much as I know about psychology, I should’ve let myself grieve. My emotions came through being disconnected with everyone, I was upset and moody and I didn’t see it. I grasped to every flicker of hope, I even bought more pregnancy tests to see if I was still getting positive results. I did. For a whole week, and then that pretty little pink line started disappearing. The physical pain of my miscarriage was over but it struck me with a whole new pain emotionally. The last hope was finally gone.
Now, some people would read this and say, oh my God she is whining over a chemical pregnancy? All that over a months’ worth time? You just lost a 4 week pregnancy. Big deal. I want to let those people know, that I didn’t just lose a pregnancy. I lost a baby, I lost his or her future, I lost holding my newborn, I lost seeing her precious face, who she would’ve grown up to be. I lost everything. Even though to someone on the outside, I didn’t lose anything.
Several weeks went by, and I had plenty of distractions. Josh and I welcomed two nephews, both of our sisters were due that September. The little boys were born safe and sound, beautiful little blessings from God. My sweet girls were enjoying every day in our new house, and I strived to make every day beautiful and fun.
As I am typing this now I’m wiping tears off of my face. The painful truth of miscarriage is that you never heal. You never forget. You don’t even escape the pain. You just get better at enjoying things and changing your thoughts, warding off the crippling pain. I have been putting off writing this for so long, one full year after it happened. Writing this sends me right back to that day, and it suffocates me all over again. It’s hard to recover from writing about it, but it’s good for healing.
A few more weeks went by, and I won’t go into detail (obviously) but I realized we might be pregnant again. I started all over again, waiting for signs and trying to figure out when I could find out. Fear struck through me every other moment as I waited. I wasn’t ready for this again. I don’t want to do this again. I can’t handle it.
I got the 88¢ pregnancy tests from Walmart. I just bought a whole slew of them because I didn’t want to waste money on the big fancy tests anymore. I didn’t even want to tell my friends because I knew they were sick of hearing about my worries with all of this, and now look at me! Back at it again.
I let a week pass before I really started driving myself crazy and broke down and took one of the tests. It appeared to be negative but I’m kind of a “POASaholic” and eyeballed it until I swore I saw a positive line. ‘Course Josh didn’t see anything and brought me back down to reality.
The very next morning something showed up on my test.
Josh was skeptical. He thought I was crazy and I admit it, I get a little crazy. It drives me absolutely insane not knowing if there is a baby in my womb, forgive me! I just like to know these things so that I know not to get a Rum Runner at BWW, okay?! ‘Scuse me.
He knew I had a circle of buddies online with just the same amount of pee-test craziness that I have, so he let me give all of those gory details to them. And of course, I get an overwhelming “OMG PEE ON ALL THE STICKS” response. Lol, I love you guys! (You know who you are).
Next one, negative. Okay. I’m getting tired of this now. I know too much about the process and I know good and well that I’m just going to have to wait. It’s just that, I’m extremely impatient. But I had an adequate amount of distractions. I settled my mind back into the blissful “what if” state. What if I was actually pregnant, what if it was a boy, and Lord help us, what if it is another little girl. What would I name her. When would I be due. On and on…
Until the next morning! (Lol.)
My last little cheapie test showed in a big, beautiful positive result.
(this is my actual test! )
(I know you can barely see it.)
This moment marked the beginning of an amazing, beautiful adventure. I had no earthly clue what was in store for us as we started this journey. As I looked at this test all of the emotions from my miscarriages ran through me, all of the hope came back, everything, all at once.
I immediately called my doctor and scheduled an appointment as soon as I could. Having a date makes me feel better for some reason. I remember sitting down with Josh that evening, quiet and scared and hopeful. Then he smiled. He got really excited and we joked about what the girls are going to think. I got an overwhelming bout of heartburn all of a sudden, and put my hand over my chest and said, “Wow I got heartburn just now. Kind of early for heartburn isn’t it? Haha.” He laughed and said, “because it’s going to be twins, watch!” I immediately cut him off, “HAHA. Don’t say that.”
So when my appointment came, I had started feeling some pain again. I was scared, trying to prepare myself for what might come. My doctor gave me an ultrasound to see what was going on.. why I was in so much pain, because I wasn’t bleeding. I remember my hands sweating as I waited for him to come in the room. Scared to death. Josh was there with me, thankfully, to keep me from freaking out.
I waited as he turned the lights off and turned the ultrasound screen towards us. This was the moment of truth. And all of a sudden, nothing. The screen was blank, there was nothing in my womb. A crushing, horrible feeling came over me. My doctor looked over at my ovaries, one was extremely large, with some bleeding. My doctor said it might be early, but that it could very well be an ectopic pregnancy.
He said, go home. Come back in two weeks and we will know. I was so upset and unsettled. They did a pregnancy test that was very positive so it was confusing as to why we didn’t see anything, and because I was in a good amount of pain. Surely if there was a baby there, it would’ve been visible and obvious. My husband held my hand on the way home. We were both quiet again. I didn’t know anything about ectopic pregnancies, only that they form outside the womb. The baby is surely alive, just not where he’s supposed to be. And the tragic thing about that fact is, the pregnancy will have to be terminated.
I began our wait by going home and getting straight on my computer. Looking for moms that have gone through this, wondering, scared. During these days I held my girls tight. So thankful for the sweet gift God has given me to let me hold my daughters. You don’t ever really realize what you have until it’s taken away from you. As I sat with my girls, I kept trying to tell myself, just be thankful for now. I am pregnant, today. I don’t know what will come of tomorrow. But today, I’m okay. Breathe.
I am pregnant today.
We went to the store the next afternoon, and I decided to browse through the baby clothes very quickly, before Josh could make his way toward the milk. I caught his attention before he went past me, and I grabbed two blue fire truck pajamas off of the rack and held them up to show him, jokingly. He laughed and we continued on. I remember that and although I only did it purely out of humor, mocking his little “twins” comment he made days ago, I cannot believe that it was true. I should’ve bought those little pajamas.
My anxiety eventually got the best of me. After one week I couldn’t handle the pain. I couldn’t handle the idea of terminating a pregnancy, a baby, with a heart beat. I couldn’t do it. It would kill me inside. I had a hard enough time letting go with my first miscarriage, and my baby had already passed. I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to call, maybe we could see something now. Surely I can know, now. Please.
My doctor let me come back without hesitation. I love him! He had the ultrasound room prepared and I waited. It was a rush appointment so Josh stayed at home with the girls. We figured if it is an ectopic pregnancy, then we wouldn’t want the girls there when we found out. I went alone.
After a short chat with my nurse, I sat in my room and waited for my doctor again, a bundle of nerves and on the brink of tears. I stared at the screen on the ultrasound machine, wondering what it’s going to reveal in just minutes. I said a prayer.
My doctor came in and was cheerful and he actually got on to me for worrying like I do. I fully admitted to not being able to help that. 😉 I prepared for the ultrasound, and waited for my doctor to turn the screen towards me so I could see, but he didn’t. When he began, I closed my eyes tight and clenched my fists and waited, my heart racing. I opened my eyes, he hadn’t turned the screen. He had his hand on his chin, analyzing the screen. Fear struck through me like lightening. It could be anything. What’s going on? What does he see?
I said, “is everything okay?”
And in that moment, my entire world turned upside down.
“You’re fine, Brittany, you’re having twins!”
He called the nurse in to have a look at the picture of the two little spots on the screen that were my twin sons.
The next few moments were a blur.. my mind was going through stages of shock that I had never felt before. I went in thinking I was going to hear awful news, hoping and praying that the baby was okay, that he or she was in the right place inside my womb, but never did I expect to hear those words.
My first thought was, “That isn’t twins. Those are just spots.”
“Oh my gosh. Twins?”
“Holy — Wow.”
“I’m going to puke.”
I made my way out of the office, with many congratulations from my doctor and his staff, all of them commenting on how shocked my face looked, all while saying “Oh my gosh” about forty-seven-thousand times. All I could think of was, it wasn’t ectopic. This is a miracle. This is a blessing. Tears started pouring before I could even get to the door of my truck. I pulled myself into the drivers seat, rested my head on the steering wheel, and cried.
Not only was the pregnancy in the right place, there were two babies. My brain simply could not understand the words that I was trying to tell myself. Two. Babies. Brit, what. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.
My hands were shaking as I reached for my phone. I couldn’t wait until I got home. I pressed “Hub” on my recent calls.
“Hey, how did it go??”
“Um, everything’s fine. How are the girls?”
“They’re fine, what did they say?”
“Um, well, the uh, the… babies are in the right place.”
I couldn’t handle keeping my composure anymore. I silently cried while he tried to figure out what he just heard.
“Babies? There’s more than one?”
“Yes!” I cried.
“Oh, wow” he choked up.
“Wow, two babies. Oh wow.”
“Everything is okay. They’re okay.”
“My hands are sweating,” he laughed.
“I’ll show you a picture when I get home.”
“Yes, hurry home.”
I ended the call and called my mom, and I let her know. She immediately bawled there at work when I told her. It was such an amazing day for me, although I was scared to death. That night we spent the evening processing the news that we just received.
We didn’t catch a rainbow…. we caught a double rainbow.
The meaning of a rainbow baby:
“It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened, or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath.
It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope”